All Space-Lanes Lead To Nowhere
by xXPrincessAvrilXx
Summary: Star Wars meets Star Trek in the ultimate and final Sci-Fi showdown, with cameos by The Guardians of the Galaxy, Spaceballs, Mass Effect, Star Wars: The Old Republic, Independence Day, Game of Thrones and Def Leppard.
1. Chapter 1

**HAN**

Han Solo shot C-3PO in his annoying robot face with his DL-44 blaster. Then he shot him in his gay robot chest twice. Finally he blasted the droid where his wiener would be if he wasn't a robot. He killed him because C-3PO is the most fucking annoying character in the entire Star Wars universe.

Han was wearing a white space-tunic below a brown leather speeder jacket that he won from a Howard Stern radio contest when he was 19 years old (he won it by sticking his wiener in a toaster for thirty seconds live on the air). He was also wearing his blue trousers with the stereotypical Corellian Blood Stripe and some black boots that he found on sale at the Gap last week. He smelled like bantha poodoo because the hot water heater hadn't worked on the _Millennium Falcon _since The Black Guy From Star Wars hosted a disco party and the fog machine had set off the fire sprinklers. Without hot water, Han Solo refused to shower.

Chewbacca sat in the copilot seat licking himself clean while his heterosexual life partner blasted the gay gold droid to bits beside him. He offered no reaction, that's how intensely focused he was on licking himself. He licked himself a lot. Especially when he saw that princess from Alderaan with the annoying voice. She was always bitching about something. He didn't like her very much. Chewie decided to rip her arms out of their sockets the next time he saw her.

Han blew the smoke from the barrel of his gun and sat awkwardly for a moment trying to think of a cool one-liner to say now that he had rid the galaxy of the annoying plague C-3PO. He couldn't think of anything so he pressed _play_ on the console and Def Leppard started to play. Han really liked Def Leppard. But who could blame him? Def Leppard is pretty legit.

Then Han had to pee so he pulled the lever back on the hyperdrive and brought the ship into sub-space. "Chewie," he said, standing up, "take us to a full stop. I need to go make water." Chewie uttered a growl and did as he was told. Han never really understood what Chewie said, but since he was Corellian he had really good luck, so he was usually pretty good at guessing what Chewie was saying. In this case he guessed Chewie said _'Fuck off you asshole I'm trying to lick my dick.'_ It would turn out that he was right.

Han was in the back of the Falcon draining the main vein outside the window and into space when he heard his comlink ringing back in the cock pit so he hurried back to answer it, wiener flopping around all willy-nilly (giggity). He answered it. It was that guy who says Def Leppard sucks in Joe Dirt. "Def Leppard sucks!" he said to Han and abruptly hung up. In his rage, Han pounded his fist down on the console which haphazardly landed on the "launch" button for the torpedo bay, launching an aft torpedo.

As fate would have it, the _Slave I_ lie in wait, aft of the _Falcon_. That was Boba Fett's ship. Since Boba Fett is the worst bounty hunter in the galaxy, that torpedo hit him and he blew up and died (again).

"Huh," said Han, pausing a moment. "I love this song!" _Photograph_ was playing. It was Han's sixth favorite Def Leppard song. Or I guess you could say favourite if you're Canadian or English. Although to be fair, LibreOffice, my word processor, is telling me that "favourite" needs to be spell checked. So "favorite" was probably correct. Fuck off. But did you get the joke, though? After he blew up Boba Fett, he didn't pause because he blew up Boba Fett, he paused because of the Def Leppard song. It was a pretty good joke, I thought. One time, my buddy in high school tried to kill himself by hanging himself in his closet. His dad went into his room to check on him and saw him and said "oh my God! That's my shirt!" and moved my buddy out of the way to get his shirt from its hangar. That's a true story. That happened in the year 2000. The Boba Fett/Def Leppard joke was inspired by it.

Suddenly there was a flash of light in front of the ship. A ship several times larger than the _Falcon_ emerged from hyperspace. It was designated _NCC-1701 USS Enterprise_. Han quickly checked Wikipedia to see what kind of ship it was, but some trolls had vandalized the page for it and written "**DEF LEPPARD SUCKS**" in all caps and bold right in the middle of the page. Han Solo really didn't understand the beef people had with Def Leppard. I mean, there were a lot more current and relevant artists for them to hate on, such as Kanye West, My Chemical Romance, Modest Muse, Simple Plan, HIM and Papa Roach. Although maybe Papa Roach aren't as current as they used to be.

The hailing frequency flashed. Chewie growled. Han guessed that he said _'It burns when I pee.' _As it turns out, his guess was correct, but he wasn't sure why that was relevant to the current situation. Han answered the comm.

"This is James T. Kirk with the Starship Enterprise," came the voice from the other end. "Two whom am I speaking?"

"Wait a minute," came Han's response. "Did you just say 'two'? The correct spelling would have been 'to'."

"Well, uh," Kirk stumbled awkwardly, "my first officer Spock is admittedly a better speller than I am. I mean even this Japanese guy flying my ship is better at spelling."

"Oh myyyy," was George Takei's response.

"Anyway, who are you and what are you doing out here?"

"Well we were questing on Voss but we fucking hate it there." Han always stopped at Voss. He had never been past level 47 because of Voss alone. "I was on my way back to The Fleet to troll the general chat there. I was hoping the Rakghoul event was still going on so I could troll with that, too. But I had to stop and take a leak. The last time I peed out the window while in hyperspace I ended up getting piss all in my face. It was so gross. We don't have working hot water right now so I had to let Chewie lick my face clean."

"..." said Kirk.

Han replied with, "..."


	2. Chapter 2

**MARK HAMMIL**

Mark Hammil and Mara Jade were making out in Mara's apartment on the Death Star. Mark Hammil was always kind of bugged that Mara Jade never changed her surname to Hammil after they got married. He worried that maybe she didn't really love him and was only married to him for his inheritance from Darth Vader. He didn't care though. She was fucking hot. She had red hair and she wore a black camisole over her huge tits. She had really tight black jeans on and her lightsaber hung from her belt. It had a purple color crystal inside. Mark Hammil wasn't much of a purple fan, but it was a good color for her. Her hair was red like the blood of her enemies.

They made out on Mara Jade's bed. Mara Jade was so into Mark Hammil that she asked him to bring some music for the makeout session. He opened his laptop and double-clicked on iTunes. It told him that it needed to update so they made out while it updated. Mark Hammil was wearing his Journey concert shirt with all the concert locations on the back of it and some khaki colored cargo shorts. He wasn't wearing underwear because he forgot to do the laundry and all his underwear smelled like pee because his wiener usually dripped a little after he peed.

When iTunes was done updating, Mark Hammil put on _All Along The Watchtower_ by Bob Dylan. He really preferred the Jimi Hendrix cover, but iTunes only sold it as part of the whole album rather than as an individual mp3 and Mark Hammil didn't want to download the whole album for one fucking song. It's ridiculous that they do that. Amazon and Google do the same thing. So frustrating. Anyway, Mara grabbed his weiner and it immediately went hard. He got the impression that she really liked the song. Mark Hammil groped one of Mara's tits and they made out some more to Bob Dylan which is kind of a weird artist to make out to but Mark Hammil isn't one of the most experienced men when it comes to makeout sessions.

"Ooh, I like that," whined Mark Hammil.

"Shut up and fuck me!" Mara said, throwing Mark Hammil down on the bed and straddling him in the cowgirl position. She shoved his rotund Jedi cock into her vajayjay and started to ride him hard. He was a premature ejaculator, though, and he was already about to cum so he used to Force to make her cum at the same time so they could cum together just like in pornos.

"Oh baby," Mara Jade said, wiping sweat from her brow.

"That was amazing!" Mark Hammil whined. His dick still in her, he groped her tit again as the song hit the 30 second mark.

"Are you sure you have to go?" asked Mara, kissing him sensually on his neck. Since she was a girl, she could keep having sex if she wanted to, but Mark Hammil couldn't because he already cummed. "You have gorgeous balls," she said.

"Man, losing my virginity was fun!" whined Mark Hammil enthusiastically.

"... what?"

"It was fun!" he whined again.

"You can't be fucking serious.." Flabbergasted, Mara Jade took the dick out of her vagina and put her pants back on. "That was your first time?"

"Yep!" Mark Hammil whined happily, sitting up to pause _All Along The Watchtower_.

Mara looked to her wall-mounted comlink as it started beeping. "We'll talk about this later," she muttered, standing up and putting her tit back inside her cami to answer the comm. It was Grand Moff Tarkin.

"Mara Jade," he said, pausing as his eyes went wide at the sight of Mark Hammil. "Er, am I interrupting anything?"

"No, he already made me cum," Mara giggled.

"..." said Tarkin. His book comes out in November. It's going to be pretty cool. I can't wait. It'll be canon, too, which is nice. "We have a situation," he said, still staring at Mark Hammil's wiener. He wondered to himself if Mark Hammil was using the Force to make it look bigger than it actually is. He made a mental note to look that up on wikipedia.

"I'll be right there," said Mara, closing the link. "Mark Hammil, I need to go see what's happening on the bridge. Will you be alright by yourself?"  
"Yeah," Mark Hammil whined. "I'll probably sit here and do Light-Side stuff."

Mara giggled and left.

"Finally I can prove I'm not gay!" Mark Hammil whined to himself.

On the bridge of the Death Star, Mara Jade walked in awkwardly since she just had her vagina pounded. She saluted the Grand Moff for some reason even though she's the Emperor's Hand she doesn't have to since she doesn't hold a military rank.

"Jade," the Grand Moff spoke crisply. "We've received a report that the _Millennium Falcon _is in sector 22-B8."

"... where the fuck is that?"

"Well I'm not entirely sure," Tarkin said. "The author just pulls shit out of his ass. He's good at improvising."

"Well, we better head there," Mara said, turning to address the flight officer. "Take us to sector 22-B8."

The Death Star began to slowly turn and a couple of hours later they finally entered hyperspace, since the space station is so fucking slow.


	3. Chapter 3

**KIRK**

James Tiberius Kirk sat on his throne dropping a Captain's Log when the voice of Spock came over the loudspeaker. "Captain, another ship has entered the sector."

"Designation?"

"_NCC-1701 USS Enterprise_."

"What the fuck?" asked Kirk, pinching off his log.

"We are attempting to make contact. Coincidentally, it looks like a more modern version of our own Enterprise. I theorize that this may perhaps be a -"

"OMG just shut up already. I don't want to hear your big Vulcan words. Toilet, flush," Kirk commanded and the toilet flushed. Kirk stood up and put his pants back on, forgetting to wipe his ass. He did that sometimes. People noticed, but they never told him about the stench so he really had no idea. It's like when you have BO and everyone smells it except you. Actually I guess that's exactly what it is.

Kirk stepped from the elevator and onto the bridge of the Enterprise and everyone on the bridge smelled Kirk's ass all of a sudden. "Hail them," he instructed. The Russian guy hailed the other Enterprise while Kirk sat down in his seat. He spoke. "This is James T. Kirk with the Starship Enterprise. Who are you and where are you from?"

"This is James T. Kirk with the Starship Enterprise," came the response. There wasn't a video chat for this because the author didn't really feel like describing what they're doing and saying at the same time so he decided just to focus on dialogue. "Look, if you had seen our two most recent movies, you'd know there's this whole alternate timeline going on. I'm the dude from that Tom Clancy movie and from that one trucker movie, Spock is Sylar from Heroes, George Takei is that dude from Harold and Kumar, Uhura is the chick from Avatar and Guardians of the G-"

"Yeah, okay, so what are you doing here, alternate-Kirk?"

"We got a report that the Death Star was coming to capture Han Solo."

"That's ludicrous!"

"No," came newer-Kirk's response. "_This_ is Ludicrous," and rap music began to play from his side of the comm.

"That's Ludacris you fucking dumbass," was older-Kirk's response. "That's it!" he exclaimed angrily. Spock made a note of how illogical it was to become emotional over something so trivial.

He took out his iPhone and went to the commlink app and closed the conversation. Then he opened up the "Battle" app and began the red alert for all hands on deck.

"Captain, this is not logical," said Spock.

"Don't give me logical you green-blooded hobgoblin!"

Suddenly Bones ran in and said, "that's my line you asshole!"

George Takei raised the shields and the two Enterprises started to fight.


	4. Chapter 4

**DAENERYS**

Daenerys Targaryen was riding on the back of Drogon, her black-and-red dragon. Rhaegal and Viserion were flying next to them. They were flying to King's Landing to take back her throne. When they got there, Daenerys stormed into the Red Keep. Daenerys was wearing a very skimpy blue see-through dress. You could see her tits and her vajayjay. She was clean-shaved. She had a small little sapphire pierced just above her navel. It looked pretty hot. She was also wearing some small 3" platform pumps, in a matching blue. What she saw before her stunned her.

Joffrey Baratheon sat upon the iron throne. Before him, The Mountain (Gregore Clegane) was standing with his pants-armor down, his hands on the head of a stupid looking man while the man sucked his gargantuan wiener. Not only was this foreign man sucking his wiener, but he was also taking it in the ass from Hodor who had an equally monstorous-sized wiener.

"Who is this man?" Daenerys demanded.

Joffrey looked at Daenerys with his smug little bitch face and said, "his name is Brandon Herrington. I thought it would be funny if I made him please the Mountain while taking it in the ass from Hodor."

"That is disgusting," Daenerys said, acting as possibly the only character in this story that's still in-character.

Suddenly, a fountain of blood began to stream from the raped man's ass and Hodor pulled out, having cummed in his ass and ripped open his colon. Only a fraction of a second later, he began to barf blood as well as the Mountain's wiener cummed and ripped open Brandon's throat. Brandon fell to the ground dead. He didn't even get a reacharound. Sucks for him.

"Enough of this!" Daenerys shouted and raised her arm. "I have come to claim my throne!" She ordered her dragons to attack and they finally did. It was so satisfying. How long have you waited to see the dragons attack? And to kill Joffrey? How glorious it was. They didn't kill Hodor though because he's pretty cool.

"Hodor," said Hodor.

Daenerys approached her throne and sat down. She pushed aside the folds of her dress and dropped character when she began to fingerbang.

Don't expect another Daenerys chapter, though. They're so few and far between this story will probably be over before I can write another one. Sucks for you.


	5. Chapter 5

**DARK HELMET**

Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz were watching _Red Dwarf_ onboard the Spaceball One. They upgraded the VHS from their movie to a DVD player recently and they bought the entire series of _Red Dwarf_ on sale at Fry's Electronics last year during Black Friday (or Green Friday if you work at Best Buy, which I think is a pretty arrogant thing to name it – it's pretty obvious you're going to be making green on Black Friday (or is it Green Friday?)).

Dark Helmet's favorite character was Lister. I have to agree with him, although sometimes Kryten is my favorite. It's hard to decide sometimes. Fortunately there are two characters to write for, so Colonel Sandurz's favorite character was Kryten.

They were standing up watching _Red Dwarf_ when Dark Helmet had to sneeze. Colonel Sandurz started laughing his ass off because of something Kryten said to Rimmer, and the crazy face The Cat made when he said it. "No!" shouted Dark Helmet. "I missed it when I sneezed! What did he say?"  
"Sir," said Colonel Sandurz, standing at attention. "It would be much funnier if you heard them say it rather than me. Shall I rewind the tape sir?"

"Prepare to rewind!" ordered Dark Helmet.

"Preparing to rewind!"

"Rewind!"

Colonel Sandurz pressed the rewind button, but since he was new to DVD players, rather than rewinding a few frames of the show, he accidentally rewound the entire story.

Han Solo shot C-3PO in his annoying robot face with his DL-44 blaster. Then he shot him in his gay robot chest twice. Finally he blasted the droid where his wiener would be if he wasn't a robot. He killed him because C-3PO is the most fucking annoying character in the entire Star Wars universe.

Han was wearing a white space-tunic below a brown leather speeder jacket that he won from a Howard Stern radio contest when he was 19 years old (he won it by sticking his wiener in a toaster for thirty seconds live on the air). He was also wearing his blue trousers with the stereotypical Corellian Blood Stripe and some black boots that he found on sale at the Gap last week. He smelled like bantha poodoo because the hot water heater hadn't worked on the _Millennium Falcon _since The Black Guy From Star Wars hosted a disco party and the fog machine had set off the fire sprinklers. Without hot water, Han Solo refused to shower.

"-such a smeghead!" Dark Helmet was saying. "Wait! Stop there! I think you've got it!"

Colonel Sandurz turned to look at the camera, observing that he was moving in real-time on the DVD as well. "Oh, good!"

_Red Dwarf_ started playing again and Dark Helmet realized something...

… walking to the starboard windows, Dark Helmet looked outside to see the _Starbug_. "We've got them!" He said, lowering the tone of his voice to its more dramatic presentation, and likewise lowering the visor of his oversized helmet. "Prepare to capture that ship! I want to force the crew of _Red Dwarf_ to preform a live stage show for us!"

"Preparing to capture it, sir!"

"Capture it!"

CLIFFHANGER, LOL


	6. Chapter 6

**DASH RENDAR**

Dash Rendar was chilling out, maxin', relaxin' all cool onboard the _Outrider_. It was a YT-2100 model, a much newer version than Han Solo's YT-1700. Actually now that I think about it, isn't it kind of crazy that the _Millennium Falcon_ is a YT-1700 while the _Enterprise_ is an NCC-1701? Maybe Star Trek was like, "fuck you our ship is better by one model." That would be kind of cool if that's what happened. But I think Star Trek came first, though. So pretty much George Lucas tried to plagiarize, or...?

Dash Rendar had his feet on the console and was jamming out to some Quiet Riot and playing _Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire_ on his Nintendo 64 while the _Outrider_ hurtled through hyperspace. He had just finished questing on Voss and was en route to the fleet to spend some commendations and argue with the trolls. He had made sure to take his rakghoul vaccine so that nobody would try and troll him while he was browsing the GTN for mod upgrades.

Suddenly the communicator started to beep. It was beeping to the beat of Quiet Riot, though, so Dash didn't really notice until the call had gone to voice mail. He checked the voice mail.

"-being attacked by-and something about Vulcans- who the fuck is Brandon Herrington-" It was the voice of Han Solo. Man he hated Han. Long ago, Dash had been all hot for Mark Hammil but he was still in the closet and was too scared to approach Mark Hammil about it. Han was Dash's best friend at the time and even though Han made a lot of gay jokes, Dash didn't really mind. One time he told Dash he would like to suck a cock just to see what it was like and Han's response was, "ggaaaaAAAAAYYYYY!" Mark Hammil became really close with Han, so Dash started to suspect they were buttfucking.

The voicemail continued. "-Sebulba-sector, uh, hold on let me scroll up...22-B8-" If you can't tell, the transmission is really broken up.

Dash sat up. _22-B8?_ He thought to himself. That's the sector where I was supposed to meet with those smugglers to make the deal with. Aw, shit. He punched in new hyperspace coordinates and the _Outrider_ continued to hurtle through space. Dash Rendar stood up and walked into his ship toward the armory. He was wearing a tight-fitting muscle shirt. It was purple and it had a My Little Pony logo on the left shoulder. He also wore really tight-fitting jean shorts and flip flops. His hair was immaculate. He had dyed it blonde during the early 2000s when he got really big into Nickelback and it was still blonde to this day because of his crush on Mark Hammil. His nails were painted with a baby blue color and had glitter on them, because it's summer and after memorial day so bright colors are "in" right now.

He entered the armory and strapped on his gun belt. He put DL-44 blaster pistols into holsters on either side of his hips. He took a blaster rifle (lol too lazy to remember what the model is called or to look it up on wookiepedia) and strapped it to his back. Then he took some wrist darts and put them on his wrists as well. Also beneath his wrists he put some hidden blades, because he had just beaten Assassin's Creed 2 on Xbox 360 and was really into that right now. Then on his ankle he strapped a bayonet. He also did that for his other ankle, but he was wearing flip-flops so it looked kind of dumb. Then he put on his Cyclops visor so he could shoot lasers out of his eyes. He looked at his Vin Diesel poster on the wall and his wiener got hard so he rubbed one out real fast. He let it spill on the floor. It was pretty well-known in the galaxy why the floors of the _Outrider_ were so sticky. Dash Rendar was a compulsive masturbator like that one guy on _Sons of Anarchy_. Dash Rendar then took a katana from the armory and strapped that on his back next to the blaster rifle. Then he took his glock and strapped that behind his waistband.

As Dash Rendar entered the flight deck once more, he pulled the _Outrider_ out of hyperspace. What he saw was ludicrous. The thought of that made him consider putting on some Ludacris, but he was really into jamming to Quiet Riot today otherwise he would have. It's like when you don't listen to a band for a couple years, then one day you hear them and you get really into them all over again – he was doing that with Quiet Riot right now. Plus they're kind of Def Leppard-ish which helps me passively compare him to Han Solo without having to actually point it out. Which I guess I did now. Damn.

Two bigass ships, both designated _NCC-1701 USS Enterprise_ were having a space battle. One Enterprise launched photons at the other Enterprise. The Enterprise dodged to starboard and responded with phasers. The phasers struck the Enterprise's shields and Enterprise turned to expose its port side, where its shields were stronger, answering back with a salvo of its own phasers. Those phasers hit the Enterprise.

Dash noticed the _Falcon_ a little ways to his left (I forgot if left is port or starboard lol). Dash hailed the _Falcon_. The response came immediately. "Photograaaaaph! I don't want your, photograaaaph! I don't need your, photograaaaph! All I – Sorry," Han Solo turned down the Def Leppard.

Dash Rendar really fucking hated Def Leppard. He considered himself a bandwagoner, just like this one time my buddy was at his mom's house and his brothers were there. My buddy was really into the Houston Rockets. He still is. Anyway his two brothers liked some other basketball team more and when their team lost the playoffs my buddy was like "Well I still have the Rockets" and his brother said "you're a fucking bandwagoner!" Even though he obviously wasn't. Not only had he liked the Rockets before they started doing badass, but it makes sense for him to be a Rockets fan considering he lives like ten minutes away from the Toyota Center where they play their home games.

"Han, what the blast is going on here?"

"It's like shooting Mon Cals in a fish bowl!" came his arch-rival's response.

Suddenly, space before him flashed and another bigass ship entered subspace. It was designated the _NCC-1701 USS Enterprise_. If Dash had to guess, he would say that this new Enterprise looked to be out of the late 80s and early 90s. The hailing frequency beeped. "Hold on, Han, I'm getting a call on Skype." Dash answered his Skype call, but he didn't know how to use Skype all that well so he actually added the Enterprise to the current call.

"This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise. Two whom am I speaking?"

"Wait," said Dash. "Did you just say 'two'?"

"Just drop it," Han sighed.

Before the Enterprise could respond, it was hit with a photon torpedo from the Enterprise. Picard dropped the Skype call which made Dash and Han lose their call, too, since Dash somehow accidentally made Picard the leader of the Skype call so Dash had to call Han back on Skype. Except I don't really know what to make them say to each other anymore so I'm just going to make them fight.

The Enterprise turned and entered the fray of Enterprise vs Enterprise vs Enterprise. To help paint a clearer picture, the Enterprise was mostly unharmed, while the Enterprise had lost its shields but hadn't taken too much damage, but the Enterprise had lost its shields early on and was taking some hull damage. Decks 17 and 24 were all but lost at this point.

Suddenly, Space turned to plaid! The biggest ship ever made dropped out of hyper-plaid-space behind possibly one of the smallest ships ever made – it was hardly larger than an escape pod. Space went back to not being plaid. The ships were designated _Starbug_, the smaller one, and _Spaceball One_, the large one. It had a bumper sticker on the back that said "WE BREAK FOR NOBODY". Dash thought that was kind of funny and chuckled to himself, because he could just picture how funny it would be if it was in an opening scene to a movie since the ship's so fucking huge it would just be the one ship flying past the screen for like, two or three minutes, then finally you get to the back of it and you see the bumper sticker.

Spaceball One opened fire on Starbug. Starbug, since it's piloted by a cat, a hologram, a clumsy robot and an idiotic human, accidentally opened fire on the Outrider rather than on Spaceball One. Dash saw this confusion as his chance to finally eliminate his arch-rival and his annoying wookie heterosexual life partner, so he opened fire on the Falcon.

The Enterprise, the Enterprise, the Enterprise, Spaceball One, the Starbug, the Millennium Falcon and the Outrider all engaged each other in open warfare while the author stood up to take a piss and think on who to write the next chapter about.

Brb

back


	7. Chapter 7

**COMMANDER SHEPARD**

Alliance Military had observed hyperspace disturbances in sector 12345 (the kind of number only an idiot would put on their luggage) and had determined it was possibly smugglers or arms dealers making some kind of illegal transaction. They dispatched the _Normandy SR-2_ due to its combat and stealth capabilities. Oh yeah and Alliance Military and Imperial Intelligence work on different nav-charts so even though Grand Moff Tarkin said it was in sector 22-B8, to Alliance Command it's sector 12345.

"Seth Green," Shepard said as s/he stepped onto the flight deck. Seth Green was the pilot of the Normandy but in the game he's crippled, so he can't walk, except for that part in Mass Effect 2 where you have to walk from the front of the ship to the back as Seth Green while the Collectors abduct the crew. There's that one part where if you walk out of the stairwell too early you get caught and have to start over which is annoying because he's a cripple and he walks so fucking slow.

"Oh, hey Commander," Seth said as he looked at the console while the ship hurtled through sub-space. The Normandy didn't have a hyperdrive. In Mass Effect they don't have hyperdrives like in Star Trek and Star Wars (lol Star Wars fans are going to be madbro that I put Star Trek first in that sentence) but instead have to use "Mass Relays" which are like HOV lanes that do the hyperspace part for you. "We're about to hit the Mass Relay."

"Good," said Shepard in either a man or a woman's voice. Since Shepard's gender relies on player choice, I'm not going to be arrogant and force the reader to see Shepard as one or the other. So just pick a gender and go with it, lil bitch. Put me on blast on MTV.

I just stopped writing for a couple hours to watch _Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit_. I thought it was pretty good. I really like Tom Clancy's writing, though, so that helped play a factor in my liking it. BTW Chris Pine plays Jack Ryan (he's like the 4th or 5th person to play him now) and he also plays New-Alternate-Timeline-Captain-Kirk so this is pretty much relevant to the story. Don't give me shit about it. Now where was I? Oh yeah Mass Effect, thanks for reminding me.

The ship suddenly rocked in space and alarms began to ring. It had been five hours since the paragraph that took place two paragraphs ago. Everyone strapped into their stations. "Report," Shepard said from the command console aft of the flight deck.

"We've got hostiles!" said Seth Green. That's also a Half-Life easter egg, just FYI.

"Gunners, to stations!" Shepard ordered redundantly, because as I just said a second ago, everyone was at their stations. Kelly Chambers, Shepard's attendant stood beside him. Shepard looked at her tits. Man, she was a fucking babe. She had light ashburn hair, the face of a doll, striking blue eyes. She used to wear standard alliance fatigues, but as her commanding officer, Shepard had ordered her a new wardrobe so she was wearing sky high platforms, a super tiny miniskirt and a corset that cut off just below her tits, and nothing beneath the corset so that her tits were hanging free for everyone – especially Shepard – to see. They were pretty great tits. Shepard reached out and squeezed one. That might be gay if you're picturing your Shepard as a woman. But there's nothing wrong with it if it's gay. Lesbos are pretty sweet. If your Shepard is a man then his dick got erect from groping her tit.

Shepard used his/her free hand to pull up a tactical map of the Normandy. What Shepard saw was astonishing! Shepard immediately recognized the starships Enterprise from growing up on earth (since this Shepard chose their background as an earthling during character creation), but to see three of them at once was mind-boggling. Shepard was even more amazed to see them fighting each other, as well as two raggedy old ships, a tiny mining vessel, and the biggest ship he'd ever seen with a giant bumper sticker on the back of it.

"Brace for impact!" came Seth Green's call over the loudspeaker. The Normandy rocked again as it took fire from starboard. Shepard looked at the map to identify the attacker. It was the starship Enterprise.

"I'm Commander Shepard," Shepard said into the comm to anyone that could be listening. "You're a fucking dumbass for attacking us. We've defeated Saren, the Collectors, _and_ the Reapers" (at least I'm guessing they defeated the Reapers. I never actually finished Mass Effect 3. It keeps freezing on me at a certain point). "If you continue to fire, we'll be forced to annihilate you!"

Shepard still had their hand on Chambers' tit. It was really soft. Like jell-o. Shepard squeezed her tit and she giggled again.

Just then a voice crackled over the comm. "Did someone call for backup?" A Winnebago came screaming through space (it was covered in plaid) and flew right past the Normandy.

"Lone Starr!" Shepard said. "And Barf! You're thirty minutes late! I get half off!" Lone Starr and Barf were making a living with their small intergalactic pizza delivery company now that they had defeated Pizza The Hut during the movie _Spaceballs_ (1989). Shepard ordered from them three times a week. His favorite pizza was grilled chicken and pinapples with extra cheese and light on the sauce. Sometimes he got it with stuffed crust if he had an extra couple of bucks.

"Sorry about that!" said Uncle Buck from the Winnebago. "We just can't stop helping ourselves to the pie!"

"Why the fuck are we talking about pizza while we're under attack?!" Shepard demanded, squeezing Kelly Chambers' tit again. Shepard's hand is pretty much going to be on her tit for this whole chapter, if you haven't noticed.

The Normandy turned hard to port and opened fire with its beam thing on the Enterprise. Normandy was in stealth mode so it was really hard to hit, in case you were wondering why it hadn't been blown up yet. But since the Enterprise is from Star Trek and they're used to fighting Klingons' Birds of Prey, who are usually cloaked, the Enterprise is pretty good at anti-stealth stuff. At least I guess. I would have heard about it by now if the Enterprise blew up to Klingons. I mean it was like twenty years ago.

The Winnebago had raided before with its guild, so it knew about focus firing. Shepard reached out with their free hand and marked the Enterprise on the 3d star map and put a raid marker over the Enterprise. It was the purple diamond, so the Winnebago tried to CC it but it didn't work because the Normandy shot it and took it out of CC by mistake. Also, since it got CC'ed, the Enterprise was back to full hull and shield integrity.

Out of nowhere, a song started to blare outside in space loud enough for everyone to hear it...

It was _Hooked On A Feeling_.


	8. Chapter 8

**DRAX THE DESTROYER**

"I do not understand how one can be 'hooked on a feeling'," Drax said to Star-Lord as the _Milano_ screamed into subspace blaring some classic 80s tunes. I've seen Guardians of the Galaxy twice. "Feelings are not material and there is no way to attach a hook to them."

"It's a metaphor!" Star-Lord said for the 3,000,000th time. He had to say "It's a metaphor" almost as often as Groot said "I am Groot." Except for that time when Groot said "We are Groot." I thought that was kind of dumb, actually. I mean if he's going to say something different for the first time, don't do it in the first movie. Because it's a Marvel movie so you know there will be like 5 sequels. It would have been more meaningful if he broke his vocabulary later in the series rather than early on because now when he does it again it won't be so meaningful. It's like when Silent Bob talks at the end of the movie and it turns out he's really intelligent and stuff – he should have done it every other movie or something, not every movie because now it's expected that he's going to talk at the end of the movie! Although to be fair, in Clerks 2 he kind of made that observation when he made Silent Bob say "... I've got nothing." Anyway.

"We've got to make that deal with Dash Rendar," Zoe Saldana With Green Skin snapped at Star-Lord and Drax, tired of their arguing all the time. She was the woman on the team, so she had to be stereotypically bitchy and pushy. Also she didn't have a whole lot of energy to deal with Drax and Star-Lord arguing with each other since she was also on one of the Enterprises as Uhura. Just go with it, man. After I typed "Just go with it, man." I broke for a new paragraph and then re-read what I wrote because something seemed off about it, but I realized I talk kind of similar to Star-Lord sometimes. So I should give Star-Lord more dialogue. It seems like he would cum more naturally to me.

Rocket Raccoon broke in and said something, so that way I could remind the reader that I hadn't forgotten he was present, and then Groot responded with "I am Groot." and Rocket Raccoon responded in a complete sentence so that we would know what Groot had actually said.

"Star-Lord!" Zoe Saldana With Green Skin said, pointing outside the flight canopy at the ships before them. It was a massacre. Three huge, identical ships (although two of them looked more modern than the other, and one in particular looked the most modern) were fighting, a _really _bigass ship with a bigass bumper sticker, a tiny ship, two normal sized ships and a sleek looking stealth ship.

"This is going to get rough!" Star-Lord screamed as he took the ship into evasive maneuvers (AKA he dodged this way and that all suddenly and stuff). Rocket Raccoon went flying into the back of the ship because he didn't have a seatbelt on. Drax the Destroyer did have one on, because I noticed he usually does. He seems very safety-oriented when he's on a ship. Zoe Saldana With Green Skin didn't have one on but she was standing next to Star-Lord so she just held on to the top of his seat. Groot is a tree so he just stood there. The _Milano_ swerved skillfully in and out of laser/photon/phaser/beam/pizza and fired back with their own...

…. um ….

Actually it occurs to me that I never really saw the _Milano_ shoot anything other than bullets, so uh,

The _Milano _shot back with bullets.

But they did nothing to the other ships because the other ships had kinetic shields. And also really thick hulls. Cuz they're used to lasers not bullets. Bullets actually seem like a really dumb idea for this story.

You know what fuck it.

The Guardians of the Galaxy aren't in the story anymore.

Spaceball One shot them with a laser and since the _Milano_ doesn't have any shields it blew up and everyone onboard died. Rocket Raccoon should have been inventing lasers or shields not missiles. Missiles already existed. Why did he just invent a smaller missile. That seems like a waste of time when he could have been making something that would actually save his life if anyone ever included him in a fan fiction.


	9. Chapter 9

**MARK HAMMIL**

Mark Hammil was laying on his back in Mara Jade's bed reading a GQ Magazine (that is, Galactic Queers Magazine). He had just (brb got to poop lol)

Back

They say writing is inspired by real life, right?

Suddenly Mark Hammil felt a disturbance in the force. He threw the magazine down and quickly hurried to the bathroom. He used the Force to pull his khaki cargo shorts down and jumped on the toilet as quickly as possible. A torrent of diarrhea and corn streamed from his asshole. The constant stream lasted for forty-five seconds until it finally started to lighten up, and after about a minute it was over. Mark Hammil was breathing hard and sweating heavily. "Good grief," he whined, "Dash really packed that in hard last night!"

Just then, he heard the door to Mara's apartment slide open. _Oh no!_ He whined to himself, _she's going to smell my poo and not want to have sex with me! How will I prove I'm not gay if she stops having sex!_ He quickly flushed the toilet and used the Force to make the bad smell go away. He made it smell like potpourri instead.

He quickly wiped his ass and put his shorts back on and left without washing his hands.

But it wasn't Mara Jade standing in the apartment.

It was Lord Gold Starcaller. Lord Gold was a pale-skinned, pureblooded Sith. He had tendrils hanging from his face and folds in his cheeks, such as those his race are accustomed to. He was wearing medium strength gear for level 50, but a couple of his pieces were still level 49 because he unsubbed after hitting 50 and never really got into end-game content. His armor looked pretty sweet. He was holding a leash which attached to a collar on Jaesa Williams' neck – she was wearing Princess Leia slave armor. Behind him was Malavai Quinn, an officer of Imperial Intelligence and he was dressed in a v-neck sweater, khaki pants, some wingtips and he smelled lightly of a fruit salad. (Get it? He's gay. He smells like a fruitcake).

Mark Hammil used the force to summon his lightsaber from the bed and activated it, its green blade screaming to life with a _snap-hiss_. Lord Gold Starcaller drew both of his sabers in an impressive flourish, their purple blades lighting the room with their glow. Jaesa Williams drew her double-bladed saber; it was red like Darth Maul's. Malavai Quinn drew his blaster because he's a dumbass lol. They started to fight.

"I want this Jedi alive!" was Lord Gold's command to his slave and boyfriend.

"I ain't gotta tell you, Lord Gold," was the slave bitch's response.

The fight was pretty badass. Pretty much if you imagine a whole bunch of lightsabers swinging around, that's what it's like. There's hums and hisses while they cut through the air and clash – every now and then Malavai Quinn will shoot at Mark Hammil but Mark Hammil just blocks them.

Eventually, Mark Hammil blocked one of the shots and redirected it at Malavai Quinn's chest, hitting him right in the v-neck. The laser blast singed through the microfiber and through his skin and bone and got him right in the heart. Lord Gold didn't really care, though, SPOILERS: Malavai betrayed him on Hoth, so fuck that guy (trust me, Lord Gold definitely fucked that guy). Still, though, it kind of sucked having his boyfriend die, so Lord Gold Starcaller got pretty pissed off. He would have gotten all aggressive and struck back tenfold but he forgot to spec his talent points after the latest patch and didn't have any really good passives or moves he could use, so he tugged on Jaesa William's leash and forced her to face Mark Hammil in his place while he knelt beside his dying boyfriend.

"Lord Gold," Malavai uttered, blood spattering from his mouth as he tried to talk. Lord Gold put his gauntleted hand on Malvain's open wound. If he was light-side he could probably cure him, butt fuck that pansy shit. "There's something...something I want to tell you.."

"I know," Lord Gold said, his voice modulated from the badass mouthpiece he wears. It's kind of a cross between Darth Malak's and Darth Vader's voice. "You love me, and you're sorry."

"No..." Malavai struggled to utter, "...I...I had to cancel...my life insurance...the monthly payments were.."

Pissed off, Lord Gold pounded his fist into Malavai's chest to finish him off (giggity). I mean WTF. How can you just SPOILERS: betray somebody, and then cancel your life insurance. Lord Gold was fucking pissed, now. He could feel the leash tugging in his hand as his slave bitch fought Mark Hammil, but Mark Hammil just stood out of her reach so she couldn't get to him.

Lord Gold jumped across the room using that cool move he got as a warrior at level 3 and engaged Mark Hammil in open combat. I mean they were really going at it, man (giggity). Lightsabers twirling everywhere, Mark Hammil being all acrobatic (Lord Gold had specced into the acrobatic tree before, but since he forgot to select his talents before starting this boss fight...).

The ship rocked as the Death Star pulled out of hyperspace and the thrum of turbolaser batteries filled the air as they opened fire on something outside. The rock of the ship took Mark Hammil off balance and he fell on his ass, holding a hand out for mercy.

"No," he whined, "please no! I finally have proof that I'm not gay! Don't like me die like this!"

Lord Gold Starcaller cut the hand off. "I will not take your hand. I can see shit on it. Do you not wash your hands?"

Suddenly, the door opened and behind them, Mara Jade stood glaring at the scene. She reached for her lightsaber and her titties bounced around.

Lol cliffhanger again.


	10. Chapter 10

**ARCHER**

Captain Jonathan Archer of the starship Enterprise was in his room with his badass beagle reading an ebook. It was _A Song of Ice and Fire: A Game of Thrones_. His Vulcan first officer, a female, told him that reading fiction was a waste of time and that if he was going to read he should read something that he could learn from. But he hated Vulcans. Since his Enterprise was the very first Enterprise, the humans were sort-of in Starfleet but also sort-of not, so they had to let that Vulcan bitch babysit them while they went on adventures. Just FYI, Archer's Enterprise is the first one, chronologically, but his TV show, _Enterprise_ (makes sense) was the most recent one. So it's a little weird. I mean he didn't even have a hyperdrive that could go past like warp 2, yet. So that's why he's coming in the story so late, cuz he's slower than the Death Star.

He was really liking the book. Khal Drogo was his favorite character so far. He made an oath that if Khal Drogo dies, he'll stop reading the series so he really hoped that Khal Drogo wouldn't die. Or that at least if he does die, it's a badass warrior's death, like he dies trying to fight a huge horde of Spartans or something. That would be a badass way to die.

"Captain," came the call on the comm. It was that guy with the southern accent who looked a lot like George Bush. I think he was the head engineer.

"Go ahead," said Archer, putting a digital bookmark on his Kindle so he won't lose his place.

"We're picking up some strange readings in quadrant 5L." Starfleet, Alliance Command and Imperial Command all have different nav-charts. I'm pretty sure I explained this in Commander Shepard's chapter.

"Let's take a look," he said, and stood up to get dressed. He liked to read books naked. And eat cheese. His beagle liked to eat cheese, too. He ate some cheese, gave some to his beagle, and stood up to put on his Starfleet jumpsuit. It looks kind of like a prison jumpsuit, but a blue one, except it has some designs on it so it's not dull. The Vulcan bitch doesn't have to wear it which seems odd since she's officially with Starfleet. She also has way too many deep-set feelings for a real Vulcan. At least Voyager's Vulcan is a legit Vulcan even if he's black. Actually I think he might be the only legit Vulcan, because Spock is half human and Enterprise's Vulcan always gets mad or QQ's. Maybe it's cuz she's a woman, idk. Maybe every episode is a month apart and she's always on her period.

I wonder if Vulcans get periods. I'll look it up on Memory Alpha, the Star Trek wiki.

Yep, they do. Guess that means Romulans do, too. Lol if you know the connection there you're a nerd.

Fuck.

I'm a nerd.

Moving on.

Captain Archer entered the bridge and sat down in the command chair. "Captain," said the black guy that pilots the ship. He's really young to be a pilot of such an important ship. Fucking Hollywood. "We're coming out of warp now."

Archer nodded. "Bring it on-screen." The _Enterprise_ dropped out of warp and into the chaotic battlefield. Archer immediately recognized another Enterprise..actually there were two, no three! Meaning there were now four Enterprises. There was also the biggest ship ever made, _Spaceball One_, and an assortment of other ships. It was cray-cray, yo.

There was no way he would let another _Enterprise_ take his spotlight. His was the first _Enterprise_, damn it! He was OG. "Shields up, fire torpedos at the _Enterprise_!"

The Enterprise fired torpedos at the Enterprise. It was a direct hit! The Enterprise's shields merely flashed though, because of the Enterprise's inferior weaponry (the whole series is about how they upgrade their tech to be like the more modern Enterprises, but they get a holodeck in like one of the first episodes which seems kind of weird since it's probably the most complicated piece of tech for them to obtain).

The Enterprise fired back with phasers. Another Enterprise also fired phasers. So did one of the other Enterprises.

"Evasive maneuvers!" screamed Archer as the ship rocked from a concussion missile.

"Captain!" said the Vulcan bitch. Archer could smell her period blood from here. "We've lost hull integrity on engineering!"

"Captain!" came the call from that alien guy in the med-bay. "They've beamed warriors on-board the Enterprise!"

Archer was jealous. He didn't have a transporter, yet. This wasn't going to be good. "Vulcan bitch," he said, standing up and grabbing one of the space-rifles, "you've got the bridge. Black pilot, british guy, you're with me." The Black pilot and the british guy (weapons officer) were probably the most important people to keep on the bridge for something like this, but fuck it lol.

Archer, black pilot and british guy piled into the elevator, their guns cocked and loaded. Black pilot's hair was in cornrows all of a sudden, because it would be more badass that way. I think he was bald before this paragraph. British guy wasn't really especially interesting so he was just standing there with his gun. Archer was the guy from Quantum Leap, so he considered making a Quantum Leap to get out of this clusterfuck but he didn't want to leave his beagle behind. That beagle fucking ruled.

The elevator arrived in the medbay and Archer, black pilot and british guy stepped outside, opening fire on the assailants.

Worf, the Klingon from _The Next Generation_ was tearing dudes apart with his bare hands and occasionally with his phaser. Sylar from Heroes, AKA alternate-timeline Spock was doing karate chops on dudes and OG Kirk was double-fist-punching people.

"You're defeated, Kirk!" Archer yelled at Kirk as he pinned him down with blaster rifle fire (I really don't remember if they shot lasers or phasers or what in Enterprise). "I have a secret weapon planted on-board your ship!"

"You...couldn't possibly!" said Kirk in the annoying way that he talks.

"Yes!" Archer declared triumphantly. "Hank Hill's neighbor! Kahn Souphanousinphone!"

Kirk's eyes went wide. "No! He's not..on my...ship!" He pounded the communicator on his chest. "Scotty, beam me up! I'm afraid KKHHHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN! is on the Enterprise making redneck jokes about Bobby Hill!" Kirk illuminated for a moment and vanished as he was beamed up.

Worf slashed at Archer and cut a badass looking gash across his face. Black pilot tried to attack him but he's black so he died first when Worf ripped his head off and screamed something savage in Klingon. British guy took out a cool looking sword and started to fight Worf so he would be distracted and I can write for Archer and Sylar from Heroes, AKA alternate-timeline Spock.

Sylar from Heroes, AKA alternate-timeline Spock and Archer locked eyes for a brief moment. Archer fired first with whatever his gun shoots out. Sylar from Heroes, AKA alternate-timeline Spock dodged and returned fire with that badass new phaser they have in the new Star Trek movies. One caught Archer on the shoulder, but since he's a plot-centric character it only wounded him. They continued to fight.


	11. Chapter 11

**WILL SMITH**

Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum were flying their ship slowly toward the Death Star. As it happens, this whole fight has been taking place in Earth orbit. Will Smith had just shot down a whole bunch of aliens somewhere in Arizona and he convinced some scientist who doesn't especially need to come along for the trip to come along and help him blow up the mothership...the Death Star.

"They ain't gonna blow up earth on _my_ watch!" Will Smith said like a black man.

"I think this is a very bad idea," said Jeff Goldblum, obligatorily. That's a word. LibreOffice doesn't tell me that I need to spell check it.

There was chaos all around them as they slowly drifted toward the space station. The Enterprise was shooting at the Enterprise, which was dodging and shooing at the Enterprise, which for the most part dodged but still took a few hits while it shot at the Enterprise, which was really bad at maneuvering and took a lot of hits as it tried in vain to hit the Enterprise. The Death Star was blowing up little fighter jets left and right because the Death Star is badass. It was also shooting at Spaceball One, which was shooting at the Starbug, which was shooting at both Spaceball One and at the Outrider, which shot at the Millennium Falcon, which shot at the Winnebago. There was also a sheep floating in space that must have been some kind of ship which was currently being CC'ed.

"What da hell?" was Will Smith's flabbergasted scream.

"I don't know," Jeff Goldblum quickly said, cuz he talks kind of fast. Was he a math genius in Independence Day or in Jurassic Park? I forget which. Maybe both? Let's just say it was ID4. "Fresh Prince, take us to heading 223 at bearing 426." He was looking at the radar and doing a bunch of math stuff in his head to figure out the safest way to get to the Death Star.

Will Smith doesn't do math so he said, "naw, we goin' here!" and steered the ship through a little opening in all the fire (although it just happened to be that he took it to heading 223 at bearing 426). One of the Enterprises began to explode from the inside. As it exploded, they heard "KHAAAAAAANNNNNN" and "Ha ha, you dumb redneck!" over the comm chatter. The Enterprise blew up and the explosion was pretty badass.

Their ship shook as a tractor beam locked on to it. "Uh oh," said Jeff Goldblum, "we're being tractored in.."

Will Smith followed the blue light to its origin. They were being sucked into the Death Star. How convenient! "We're being sucked into the Death Star," he said like a black guy, adding, "how convenient!"

Hold on I have to go check something on the steam pad. I'm at work lol. BRB.

I occurred to me that I forgot to say what Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum were wearing.

Will Smith was wearing a white mid-90s Chicago Bulls jersey with the number '23' on it and 'Jordan', some slightly oversized shorts, those pump-up shoes from the 90s where you squeeze the basketball in the middle and it fills the tongue with air, and his men-in-black sunglasses. Also his hair was in dreads because it looks more badass that way.

Jeff Goldblum was wearing a World of Warcraft druid shirt, some blue J'ncos, and some studded combat boots. Also he was wearing horn-rimmed glasses and his black hair was slicked back like a mobster.

K that's out of the way.

The corpse of a dead raccoon drifted past the cockpit and Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum looked at each other with a _what the fuck _expression on their faces. It was times like this that Will Smith really wished he had paid more attention to the stuff Tommy Lee Jones taught him as a junior agent. "Aight, dawg," Will said, taking out his glock and chambering a bullet, "here's what's gonna go down. They're gonna capture us, I'll come out the ship, make 'em think I'm the only one. You hide. I dunno how you gonna do that, cuz you white," Will Smith always liked to point out people's races in his earlier movies, "but you gonna do it. You gonna get this ship up out that hangar and blow up this Death Star. Imm'a try and find some way off it and keep 'em distracted for you can do that. You dig?" He reached into his pocket for his iPod and started playing the theme song to _Shaft_.

"I dig," Jeff Goldblum agreed with a nod. Their ship entered the capture bay of the Death Star and scratched the ground as it skid to a halt. There were four stormtroopers outside with their (lol I remember the name of those rifles now from that Dash Rendar chapter) E-11 blaster rifles pointed at the ship. Will Smith pressed the button to open the hatch and emerged from the top of the ship with his hands in the air.

"Look, officer," he said, trying to be funny, "I was only going five over the limit! Just give me a ticket and we'll be-"

"On the ground!" One of the Stormtroopers yelled.

His stormtrooper buddy added in, "we were awful marksmen in the movies because Darth Vader specifically said he wanted them alive. So if you're like," he put on a mock-Will Smith voice, "_oh they're just gonna miss me if I start shooting, cuz stormtroopers suck_, well you're in for a surprise!"

Will Smith couldn't really hear what they were saying because he was really getting down to _Shaft_. _They're just gonna miss me if I start shooting, cuz stormtroopers suck_, he thought to himself. So he did some badass acrobatics wherein he jumped off the ship doing a sweet backflip, reaching back to his waistband for his glock and shot two bullets while in mid-air. Since stormtroopers' armor is just plastic, bullets will rip through it easily enough. And they did. Two of them got hit in the head because Will Smith's a badass in Independence Day. He landed on the ground and the two remaining troopers opened fire. The ship behind Will started up and Jeff Goldblum started to fly it out of the hangar.

Will Smith turned his glock sideways like a gangsta and shot at the stormtroopers even though if you hold it sideways it's probably going to jam up, but he was from the movies so it wouldn't jam on him this time. He killed the other stormtroopers, his bullets easily cutting through their plastic armor, and ran out of the hangar and into the corridors of the Death Star where he saw a really badass lightsaber duel going on. It was fucking sweet.

He saw some pale guy with tendrils and two purple lightsabers, holding a leash to some half-naked chick with a badass Darth Maul lightsaber fighting against Mark Hammil who he knew from one of those Obama dinners (since Obama loves to have dinners in Hollywood) and some fine ass redhead with a purple lightsaber. It was a pretty even fight since the author doesn't particularly want to kill off any of them.

Will Smith knew his bullets would be useless here, but fortunately the situation resolves itself in the next paragraph.

The fine ass redhead slashed at the slave bitch's leash and cut it so she would be free of the big pale guy. The slave bitch was loyal though so she kept fighting. Actually she was a little disappointed. She was really into BDSM and now they would have to go get a new leash. The pale guy and the slave bitch were getting the upper hand in the fight but suddenly a war horn sounded in the air. "Duh duh duuuuhhh!"

"Gee willikers," Mark Hammil whined. "Mara, our queue just popped."

"Oh!" Mara exclaimed. "Geez, queues for DPS are so much longer than they used to be. I wish Blizzard would hurry up and release some new content so the tanks and healers would re-sub." The two of them suddenly vanished from the air and Will Smith stood there, awkwardly trying to figure out what in the flying fuck was going on. He was also trying to come up with some pickup lines to use on the slave bitch.


	12. Chapter 12

**HAN SOLO**

This was a shit-fest. Han had absolutely no idea what was going on anymore, and to make matters worse, his Def Leppard CD was on the last song (_Have You Ever __Needed __Someone So Bad_) so he would have to pause from the fighting in a minute and press 'play' again when it was over. It was their CD _Vault_, the greatest hits from 1980 to 1995.

All around him, shit was getting real. He and Chewie were desperately trying to stay alive while they took fire from all directions. So far two ships had been destroyed, an Enterprise and the Starbug (sorry, I'm not really good at British humor so I didn't really want to write for the Red Dwarf crew even though I fucking love that show), while the Normandy SR-2 was currently sheeped. Out of nowhere, a red podracer emerged from hyperspace. It was being flown by a Dug. What, did he think this was some kind of race? Chewbacca growled and Han (correctly) guessed that he had said _Sebulba_. Han brought the Falcon hard to starboard and opened fire on the Spaceball One.

Leia walked onto the flight deck, dressed in her Pjs. Apparently she had been sleeping this whole time. Chewbacca suddenly stood up and ripped her arms out of their sockets. It was bloody and violent, but I mean I said I would do it in the first chapter so I had to make sure not to forget before the story was over.

People were blowing up all over the place. Another Enterprise exploded, but not before some of its occupants could beam themselves onboard the Falcon. Chewie growled.

"What?" Han was too busy flying to deal with the intruders. "You take the stick, I'll go deal with this." He drew his DL-44 blaster pistol and rushed into the corridors of the _Millennium Falcon_. Will Smith, Commander Shepard (holding some hot babe's tit), Worf, Dark Helmet, Mara Jade, Dash Rendar and Lord Gold Starcaller were all in the lounge fighting each other. Lightsabers were going this way and that. Dark Helmet's _schwartz_ was flopping all over the place, Will Smith was shooting bullets, Commander Shepard was shooting lasers and squeezing tits, Worf was firing phasers, Dash Rendar was...giving Han Solo the deadeye.

Dash Rendar leaped at Han with his hand out, a hidden blade extended from his wrist doing that assassination animation from Assassin's Creed. Man there's been like at least 7 Assassin's Creed games and they still use that same animation.

Han dodged and took out his vibro-blade to engage Dash Rendar in hand-to-hand combat. Behind him, Mara Jade lifted her skirt and reached between her legs. She kept it there for a few moments and finally pulled out a tampon, throwing the bloody tampon at Commander Shepard but missed and it flew right into Dash Rendar's mouth. His eyes went wide and he began to puke all over the place; on the floor, the walls, some even got on the ceiling.

With Dash distracted, Han spun around to take a shot at Dark Helmet but the burly Klingon, Worf, leapt at Han and tore off his arm. Lord Gold Starcaller advanced toward Will Smith, but slipped in some barf. Having seen that, Will Smith began to barf. Some of it came out of his nose. It was gross.

Outside, the battle raged on.


	13. Chapter 13

**SEBULBA**

Sebulba was piloting his podracer with his feet. Dug were very agile and were more capable with their feet than with their hands. He had the magical power of being able to breathe in space so don't ask me how he's doing this. He had also added some pretty sweet lasers to his podracer. By now all 4 Enterprises were gone and the Death Star was blowing up from the inside while Jeff Goldblum flew a puny ship out of it. Sebulba shot the ship and Jeff Goldblum blew up and died.

Spaceball One turned to plaid and escaped the scene because it was all beat up from the Death Star's super laser. (It was bigger than a planet, so the Death Star couldn't completely destroy it with one shot). Sebulba shot the sheep that was floating into space and it exploded in a mess of blood and gore, which had previously been the Normandy SR-2. He would be happy to see Seth Green dead. He thought it was ridiculous that they charge like $30-$40 for a season of Robot Chicken while the episodes are only like 10-15 minutes long.

Everybody was blown up except for the _Millennium Falcon_, but eventually its occupants would all be dead or otherwise rendered disabled because they tripped on barf.

Sebulba stopped his podracer and surveyed the battle space. Everyone was dead (or otherwise disabled because they tripped on barf (but not Barf from Spaceballs. The Winnebago got blown up, too.))

Sebulba now only had one more thing to do: kill all the Ewoks. Sebulba won. He knew he would win.

Sebulba always wins.


End file.
